The 'dead girl' and the 'sick preggo' go on a cruise

A Cruise???? Seriously???? What was i thinking?????

Well I'll tell you what i WASN'T  thinking... that i would be ridiculously sick and pregnant with twins. nope, that thought NEVER crossed my mind way back in February when i signed up for this girls weekend cruise. i WAS however thinking this would be a great way to insure that i would see my friends from Florida sooner than later AND it would be a well needed break from the kiddos AND it would be a fun girls night out times 3. THAT'S what i was thinking. so all was bought and paid for when we found out i was carrying two times the cargo in my belly and that was the reason i was two times as sick. ooooooh boy!!!!!!!! after that news, as i imagined myself on the cruise with the combination of double (twin) nausea and sea sickness, i almost backed out... i could not imagine being able to enjoy myself at ALL. but i'm not one to let money go to waste like that and just prayed i could dig down deep inside myself and find a fake smile to plaster on my face.

so as I'm in my inner world of worrying about feeling terrible the whole time I'm on the cruise, i get a huge slap in the face wake up call reminding me what a wimp i am. two days before the cruise leaves i get the news that a fellow cruiser (in fact the birthday girl herself who put the whole thing together) went into cardiac arrest, literally died on the racquetball court and was brought back to life by her dad, her husband, a defibrillator, CPR and of course God. Monday she dies and is brought back to life, Wednesday she is getting surgery (a pace maker) and Friday she is home packed and ready to go on the cruise!!!!!! unbelievable!!!!!!

i thought,  if she could do it, then i could definitely do it! i mean how bad could it be? on the cruise we wouldn't have to cook or clean or run after kids, someone else would be doing all that. so maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all? maybe all sick and recovering people should go on cruises and be taken care of for a few days :) so i packed up my things and off i went on my girls weekend adventure.

my suitcase was stuffed with clothes because i wasn't sure what fit anymore and i was way too tired to try everything on before i packed it. my carry on was full of animal crackers, zofran, prenatals and tylenol pm. i thought it was going to be smooth sailing from there until i hit a few bumps along the way - first: the snaps on my leggings set off the metal detectors at the airport, soooo i had to be patted down. snaps??? really??? how lame!

 THEN: when we were checking in for the cruise they sent me and  roommate to the 'back office' (which was actually the break room) and made me call my doctor and have her fax over a letter stating how far along i was in my pregnancy. which really wouldn't have been that big of a deal but my husband was on the phone with the cruise line almost every night for a week checking and rechecking to make sure i had everything i needed (so i wouldn't be caught in a situation exactly like this one when i was trying to board) and not once did they mention that i needed that letter from my drn. plus i called my dr literally 30 seconds before they closed for lunch for the next 2 hours and shut off all the phones... so luckily my first call went through because i couldn't get through to the dr office again after that one phone call. it was a nerve racking 45 min waiting for that fax to come through, knowing i had no way of calling the dr office again if there was a problem. after that was all sorted we boarded the boat and the fun began.

i did mange to find my smile, eat a little, dance a little, sing a little, swim a little and laugh a lot despite the insane nausea :) i can't wait to try another cruise when i feel better and then i can eat A LOT, dance A LOT, sing A LOT, swim A LOT and laugh even more! it was so nice being surrounded by such fun and amazing ladies and to remember what it's like to be silly little girls again. hopefully this girls cruise can become a new tradition through out the years and hopefully the 'dead girl' and the 'sick preggo girl' will be well and whole for the next voyage and the journal entry will have a whole new title :) 

the story behind the terrible picture

a picture of each baby individually

the attempt at getting both babies in the same picture

Lilly has named them tyler and skylar. she thinks one is a boy and one is a girl. jason is convinced we doomed to have all girls. and i think they are both boys. i guess one of us is bound to be right :)

so there we are sitting in the ob office waiting for the dr to come back in. i am way more nervous than i have ever been before, i'm shivering but sweaty, my heart is pounding and my head is spinning. i'm really anxious for the the dr to come and do the ultra sound. i try to express my worries to jason as he tinkers on his phone half listening to what i'm saying...

me to jason: "i'm telling you something is different about this pregnancy. on top of being ridiculously sick i feel unbearable hungry ALL the time. that has never happened to me before. maybe it's a boy? or maybe something is wrong? or maybe it's twins? i've never been unable to button my pants at 8 weeks before, which is just really weird. i'm telling you, something is different this time... i wish the dr would hurry up so i can finally find out. seriously jason, what if it's twins"

jason: "it wont be. but if it is, i probably just wont be able to speak for a while."

finally the dr enters the room (and i think jason finally puts his phone away).

she shows us the baby on the screen and says: "here's the first one and..."

me: "what!!!!!!! AND!!!!!!! are you serious!!!!!!! there's an AND!"

dr: "yes, and here is the second one"

me: "oh my gosh!!!!oh my gosh! oh my gosh! jason, i told you!!!!! i told you! i told you!" (as i am hitting him repeatedly on the arm) "i told you!!!!" as i start to laugh and cry at the same time, making it extremely difficult for the dr to get a good picture.

jason just stood there dumb founded, not saying anything. meanwhile the dr took the measurements and said they were both similar in size (which apparently is important when growing two babies inside you at the same time) and found the heartbeats on both, both strong and good. then she mentioned we had a lot to talk about now that we were having twins. 

finally jason opened his mouth and said: "that's a lot of diapers"

so as we women are worrying about the growth and development of the babies...jason is thinking about how these twins are going to put us in the poor house once and for all. ha ha :) poor guy!

we listened to the dr tell us that i will be coming in much more frequently, getting lots of pictures, seeing expensive equipment that i have ever seen before, preparing to deliver early (no later than 38 weeks) preparing for the most likelihood of a c-section, gaining much more weight, feeling much sicker, needing to take it easy etc. she also told us we were the third set of spontaneous (non-fertilization) twins she had seen in two days. how crazy is that????

as jason left for work and i headed home i think we were both in shock. i can't imagine he got much work done the rest of the day. as he was supposed to be focusing on numbers for work i'm sure his mind kept drifting to the 'numbers' these twins were going to cost him. i know my mind was thinking of nothing else.

The reason I need to Blog...

On September 1, 2011 we got the news that would keep me from sleeping ever again... we are having twins!!!!!!

Hence the need for a blog. I need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings so I can finally try to get some sleep at night (hopefully). My mind has not stopped going a million miles a minute since we found out and it doesn't EVER stop. The Tylenol PM only gives me about a 3-4 hour relief where I actually get to enter dreamland and escape reality... but it does not last nearly long enough. So as an attempt to put my mind at ease and dump my worries elsewhere, I thought I would try 'blog therapy'. I have wanted to start blogging ever since Lilly was born (i really could have used the 'blog threapy' then... but that is a whole different session on it's own) But i have always had my concerns and reservations about putting it all out there on a blog... i mean how much is too much information to share???? if i say what i am really thinking and feeling will i offend people??? will it be used against me in a court of law someday when i least expect it??? i suppose all those things could be true, but i really need to try something, and quick! Hopefully it will help. Something has to, or I am very likely going to loose my mind!

The reason's i am loosing my mind: the nausea is so intense with twins and so relentless, day and night, that i get never get a moment of relief. I've never been so tired, yet i can't sleep. I've never been so hungry, yet i can't eat. my house is a disaster yet i can't pick anything up with out practically puking. I'm so exhausted i can't even play with my kids. i can barely go up the stairs without feeling like i am going to pass out. i fight back the tears of frustration all day and all night but sometimes i just don't have the energy to fight them back anymore and they come spilling out. i want to believe it will pass soon, but with Lilly i was sick for 7 months, i couldn't keep anything down. with Mia i was sick for 6 months. so history is not on my side. with twins does the length of the nausea double as do the hormones???? if so I'm in big trouble! i can't stop wondering a million things that i usually don't worry about when i have just one baby inside me. will they both be healthy? will they both have CF? will they both make it full term? will i be put on bed rest? what the heck is going to happen to my body? will Jason survive this?

I guess i just remind myself that this pregnancy was definitely planned. We liked the three year space between Lilly and Mia, and Mia will be three in December. We knew we wanted more kids (and i am no spring chicken) so we decided it was a good time to start trying again. It took us a little longer to get pregnant than usual and i think the Lord did that on purpose... because each month that the test was negative, just made us want it that much more... ha ha :) He was solidifying in our minds the desire for more children so we would have no doubt (when he threw this curve ball our way) that this was our choice... we really wanted it!!!! part of me believes that it's possible the lord knew my body might not be able to handle another pregnancy... so he decided to give us the rest of our family in this one pregnancy. so it's probably a blessing in disguise (a really good disguise covered in vomit and tears).

I know the Lord does not give us more than we can handle... but who's to say am actually handling it???? i don't really feel like i am handling it all. as certain trials get thrown my way throughout this life i have come to realize that my personal trials and struggles aren't always meant for just me to learn something from. i have seen my trials test the people around me too. will they come to the rescue? will they still love me? will they give of themselves to ease the burdens? will they judge harshly from a far having no idea what it's really like? another thing i have learned from the trials i have been dished out so far, is that i can not do it alone. that i need to accept help (and ask for it, which is still really hard for me to do). i have been blessed with some amazing people throughout my life who have truly helped me carry my burdens. i have seen first hand that the lord puts people in your life to help you. These people truly become 'his hands' and do his work for him and rescue you in the ways he would if he were here beside you.

well i think it's working... my brain is spent, i am really tired. i think i will attempt to take a nap and see how it goes. wish me luck :)

 p.s. i will explain the story about the terrible picture soon... i suppose when you're laughing and crying and hitting your husband and yelling "i told you!" all at the same time while the Dr is trying to get a picture...  it makes things a little difficult ;)