The reason I need to Blog...

On September 1, 2011 we got the news that would keep me from sleeping ever again... we are having twins!!!!!!

Hence the need for a blog. I need an outlet for my thoughts and feelings so I can finally try to get some sleep at night (hopefully). My mind has not stopped going a million miles a minute since we found out and it doesn't EVER stop. The Tylenol PM only gives me about a 3-4 hour relief where I actually get to enter dreamland and escape reality... but it does not last nearly long enough. So as an attempt to put my mind at ease and dump my worries elsewhere, I thought I would try 'blog therapy'. I have wanted to start blogging ever since Lilly was born (i really could have used the 'blog threapy' then... but that is a whole different session on it's own) But i have always had my concerns and reservations about putting it all out there on a blog... i mean how much is too much information to share???? if i say what i am really thinking and feeling will i offend people??? will it be used against me in a court of law someday when i least expect it??? i suppose all those things could be true, but i really need to try something, and quick! Hopefully it will help. Something has to, or I am very likely going to loose my mind!

The reason's i am loosing my mind: the nausea is so intense with twins and so relentless, day and night, that i get never get a moment of relief. I've never been so tired, yet i can't sleep. I've never been so hungry, yet i can't eat. my house is a disaster yet i can't pick anything up with out practically puking. I'm so exhausted i can't even play with my kids. i can barely go up the stairs without feeling like i am going to pass out. i fight back the tears of frustration all day and all night but sometimes i just don't have the energy to fight them back anymore and they come spilling out. i want to believe it will pass soon, but with Lilly i was sick for 7 months, i couldn't keep anything down. with Mia i was sick for 6 months. so history is not on my side. with twins does the length of the nausea double as do the hormones???? if so I'm in big trouble! i can't stop wondering a million things that i usually don't worry about when i have just one baby inside me. will they both be healthy? will they both have CF? will they both make it full term? will i be put on bed rest? what the heck is going to happen to my body? will Jason survive this?

I guess i just remind myself that this pregnancy was definitely planned. We liked the three year space between Lilly and Mia, and Mia will be three in December. We knew we wanted more kids (and i am no spring chicken) so we decided it was a good time to start trying again. It took us a little longer to get pregnant than usual and i think the Lord did that on purpose... because each month that the test was negative, just made us want it that much more... ha ha :) He was solidifying in our minds the desire for more children so we would have no doubt (when he threw this curve ball our way) that this was our choice... we really wanted it!!!! part of me believes that it's possible the lord knew my body might not be able to handle another pregnancy... so he decided to give us the rest of our family in this one pregnancy. so it's probably a blessing in disguise (a really good disguise covered in vomit and tears).

I know the Lord does not give us more than we can handle... but who's to say am actually handling it???? i don't really feel like i am handling it all. as certain trials get thrown my way throughout this life i have come to realize that my personal trials and struggles aren't always meant for just me to learn something from. i have seen my trials test the people around me too. will they come to the rescue? will they still love me? will they give of themselves to ease the burdens? will they judge harshly from a far having no idea what it's really like? another thing i have learned from the trials i have been dished out so far, is that i can not do it alone. that i need to accept help (and ask for it, which is still really hard for me to do). i have been blessed with some amazing people throughout my life who have truly helped me carry my burdens. i have seen first hand that the lord puts people in your life to help you. These people truly become 'his hands' and do his work for him and rescue you in the ways he would if he were here beside you.

well i think it's working... my brain is spent, i am really tired. i think i will attempt to take a nap and see how it goes. wish me luck :)

 p.s. i will explain the story about the terrible picture soon... i suppose when you're laughing and crying and hitting your husband and yelling "i told you!" all at the same time while the Dr is trying to get a picture...  it makes things a little difficult ;)